If only...
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A frank
account of my accident & life since. A day that I'll never forget & one that would change my life forever. I was the keen owner of a Yamaha R1 motorcycle having 'upgraded' from a Honda Fireblade that I'd had for 2 years. To be honest though they were weekend/sunny day toys (though I'd done plenty of miles) as I had a busy job, company car & all that. So a once a year jaunt with work colleagues was something we'd talked about & planned etc for quite a while, and we were all really looking forward to it. I started biking late I guess just like a lot of people. When I was 16/17 I used to buzz round on various things up to 250cc then just like a lot of people you get into girls & cars etc. Then marriage/kids/mortgage takes it's financial toll & before you know it you're coming up to 40 but I decided to get it out of my system & because I could afford it went ahead. Born again bikers have had a bit of a bad rep in the UK but I honestly didn't classify myself as a stereotypical one as I worked my way up to the power these things kick out & I'd been to Assen in Holland on long trips & track day instruction days, so I fully knew my bike. Of course none of that would have helped me anyhow as you can't legislate for mistakes by people especially on a 2 lane 1 way road. I guess it's just that tiny moment in time where I was in the wrong place & 1 second later/earlier and I'd probably be 'normal' for the rest of my life. A lot of hypothesis I know so life goes on and you have to deal with it. I'd planned to work from home in the morning on the PC catching up on admin etc & basically keeping my head down as the lunchtime deadline drew nearer. I'd already packed the bike the night before so it was just me getting ready. I'd arisen
that morning I recall in trepidation as with all biking trips (in this country)
the weather is always questionable & had been a bit wet & changeable in
the previous couple of weeks prior. I was pleasantly surprised to see it dry if
not a little overcast. After the usual getting ready duties I was ready to start
the day but needed to pop outside & talk to our builder who was building an
extension for us & was my big project for the summer i.e. decorating etc (so
much for that) I remember getting to about midday & thinking 'right that's it' I'll start the process of getting into my full leathers etc and get round to my mates early. We had to meet the others at Junction 2 of the M50 about an hour and a half away so I thought if we allowed 2 & a half hours it would be plenty. I drove off earlier than agreed to my mates house (six miles away) as I thought I could always have a coffee. Which is what happened really, got there & he was still getting ready so I had a coffee in his kitchen with his wife/kids/dogs while he passed through every now & again in a state of dress. We left around 12.45 pm & I recall feeling pretty chilled out & relaxed with plenty of time but still that excitement in my belly of a biking trip ahead. My mate lives in a small village adjoining a dual carriage way (2 lane one way road to the foreigners) leading to Chippenham or the Motorway so we left his house & had to turn right onto the dual carriageway at a set of lights. They were red then after another short distance another set of lights we were held at red. I remember flipping up my visor and looking at his bike which was brand new and quite rare then (MV Augusta F4) and admiring the lines. Lights changed and a car shot by as he caught them just right but we soon accelerated by as bikes are so much quicker. I recall not being in a hurry & perhaps going along the road at 70mph and life felt good... I remember nothing about what happened next. The facts from the police report & witness statements are: We rounded a very shallow left hand bend with my mate in front and me in line behind, but we were in the right hand/outside/fast lane for visibility benefits when 200 yds ahead in a lay by on the left hand side an old (77 yrs) man and his lady companion decided they were lost. Instead of going up the road and looking for a roundabout or safe place to turn they could see a gap in the central reservation for use by the cottages on the left. The old chap decided to do a U turn and proceed up the opposing carriageway. My mate saw this happening in a flash but assumed the old guy was pulling out into the slow lane so delayed a little then tried to warn him by horn as well as taking avoiding accelerating action by swerving around the front of the mans car before losing control & ploughing straight on across the grass towards the oncoming/opposing dual carriageway then falling off and breaking a finger & ankle. Normally there is oncoming traffic & he would probably have died or been seriously injured but luckily for him there was nothing coming the other way. Myself I saw nothing (as evidenced by the short skid mark in the police photos) that I can recall just a vague feeling that you get that I'm about to hit something and perhaps jumping upwards but I'm not sure as it's all dreamy. I hit the car at around 40-60 mph (ish) in the rear just 2 feet from the rear bumper but in the side perpendicular to it as it tried to get across 2 lanes of carriageway, a witness coming the other way who saw the whole event says I had no chance and tried to brake/swerve but only had a second or two to react, but I can't recall a thing. As you can imagine hitting a solid object at speed on a motorbike doesn't do you a lot of good. I'm not sure what happened to me but my guess of jumping upwards was probably correct then being thrown over. The police report states a minimum speed of 35-43mph plus impact absorption from their measurements of where I landed etc. At this stage I was close to death & unconscious but luckily for me there was very close by a paramedics training session & the guys had just finished & in a van travelling my way so they were on the scene to stabilize my neck etc. Had I moved one centimeter I probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale. I was airlifted (first time ever in a helicopter & I can't remember a thing) to Royal United Bath and there began the process of saving my life. Still unconscious I was admitted to A&E/ICU (Intensive care) and put on life support/venting and all the paraphernalia that goes with it. MRI scans revealed a fracture at C7 but worse still severe damage at C3-4 (but incomplete) & a residual cyst, then I was given the now normal massive one off steroidal jab to help reduce swelling, and to stop natural antibodies killing off some of the good stuff. I'd also severely damaged my knees and the left leg which typically has 4 ligaments had 2 or 3 ruptured and the right knee had 1 or 2 damaged ligaments, presumably from jumping upwards & my knees hitting the top of the car. Also some toes in the left foot were dislocated so had to be pinned. Also a nasty halo traction system installed in my skull with weights to keep your head pulled back correctly. Another point of note was that because I was wearing full leathers my body relatively survived any awful damage i.e. skin being ripped off or elbow & shoulder damage, I always wore the full kit even on hot days as you hear some people would have survived if they had worn leathers etc. In the mean time the police had been trying to contact my wife (Heather) who had the afternoon off but she'd gone to visit a colleague before getting home. When she arrived home at around 2.30 pm there was a police car waiting on the drive. They could not be specific but confirmed it was very serious and touch & go as to whether I'd survive (always bad if they say that) Can you imagine her thoughts & turmoil as she made her way down to the hospital. The next couple of days are a blur in my memory but I vaguely remember delirium & saying unintelligible things. But gradually recall awaking to the realization of tubes in my nose/mouth everywhere and then the awful reality of knowing I had full paralysis from the neck down and wishing I could scratch my nose, & having to ask Heather to do it. I wished then & there I'd died in the accident & have done many times since. I recall a moment in the first couple of days where they took me off the ventilator but strapped an oxygen mask to me which was so uncomfortable (all of it was really) then I'd ask for it to be removed for periods and because my lung cavities were not functioning there was a machine with warning levels which kept triggering when my oxygen levels went below a safe level. Eventually though I willed myself off this mask/machine with help from Heather telling me to breathe properly. The next hurdle was the feeding tube in my nose came out and they tried a few times to get it back in but it caused me agony each time so they left it and said I could try ice cream later but if I failed to eat then they'd have to put me out and install the hateful tube in again. Will power again I managed to eat the ice cream and another mountain climbed. As time went by I developed some movement in my left arm and after a number of days transferred to a side room but could now drop my hand on my face and scratch any itches (fantastic) After 2 weeks or so because I was a 'private' patient I was able to 'fast track' the queue to Stoke Mandeville SIU because Salisbury was too full with no likely admission in the near future. I then faced the difficult transfer and longest drive of my life as I was transported flat in an ambulance at 30mph on a journey which normally would take an hour and a half but took twice as long. I tend to get travel sick so can you imagine my dread facing this, but they gave me drugs and fresh water on the way so I managed. With the wisdom of hindsight which is always a great thing I wish I'd got in at Salisbury SIU as it's nicer, whereas Stoke are the typical NHS hospital short of equipment & understaffed. After my admission in Stoke Mandeville and the usual tests/observations I was placed in my position right next to the nursing station for close monitoring as I couldn't operate an alarm switch. They observed a kind of rash down below from lying in my own mess for a couple of weeks. The reason being that Bath hospital gave me bowel drugs to keep me very loose but that escapes without control etc all the time so you lie in it till the next clean up, but due to it's acidic nature just like babies you get problems. Suffice to say Stoke use drugs but implement a 'once a day' bowel routine, unfortunately starting at 5.30am in the morning and hopefully barring accidents that's it for the day. Now to face the task of 9 weeks flat on my back on an electric turning bed looking at the ceiling. Every 3 hours a nurse would come and rotate the bed to tilt the other way for pressure relief. I can honestly say this was the worst period of my life. A horrible uncomfortable bed, though I had not much feeling my shoulders were/are hypersensitive and so painful all the time when tilted sideways. But I couldn't use my hand well enough so couldn't read or use a phone or TV remote control so could only look at the ceiling or into a mirror system above my head so I could see people the right way up. Long days exacerbated by being woken at 5.30am then maybe sleep time at 11-12 at night with the help of Tamazipan sleepers. But I often didn't sleep well due hospital noises & some nurses who are so uncaring they chat all night at the top of their voices and keep you awake. More punishment. I can only
say I got through this period with the thought of each day my wife who visited
lunchtime onwards every day until she went back to work then driving for up to two hours to get there for the evening. I cannot say
how much that meant and the sacrifice to her for the 7 months I was in hospital.
She did this for 6 days a week & attempt to run a house & 2 kids. As you can imagine you have a lot of time to get
philosophical about life when all you can do is stare at the ceiling, but I know
I love her more than life itself even if I don't show it. Eventually
the time came for removal of head traction, which wasn't as bad as I'd
preconceived but they bring along big old spanners, though they couldn't find
any and had to send down to the wheelchair workshop, and you can feel every
touch/noise/vibration as the pins are screwed into your head. But they just
quickly unscrew then mop up and it hurt like hell for a bit but over soon. Then
they came to remove the pins in my left toes which were dislocated. Thankfully I
couldn't feel anything but they just started pulling with a pair of pliers and
these pins came out but they were about 5 inches long (blimey) that would have
hurt. The big day
of me getting up drew nearer and part of the preparation is to raise the head of
the bed for a little more each day for periods of time. This is to get you used
to being upright as your brain & body has been horizontal for so long.
Indeed when they first get you up they give you drugs for your blood pressure
then stockings for your legs for blood pooling purposes then the dreaded hoist
(like a sack of potatoes) all for 20 minutes on the first day. As you feel sick
and in my case shoulder pain which has never gone and got worse. It was a big
anti climax though as after all that longing you suddenly realize how helpless
you are and in my case unable to do virtually anything. Eventually you're up and around all day every day and into the routine of physio/OT etc. Unfortunately though I was a paying patient Stoke Mandeville is still just an NHS hospital and don't really cater for private people etc so I was lucky if I'd get an hour of physio a day etc and crappy equipment i.e. wheelchair, also a dirty room & conditions. Again with the wisdom of hindsight I could have gone to the Royal Bucks round the corner for my final 4 months of rehab and received intensive rehab as well as a nice room etc and it wouldn't have cost any more. Having said that it's the people/staff that count and barring a few that were not nice or just cynical and nasty doing a job, most of the staff were just great. When you're flat on your back & so dependent you notice who the nice ones are and who are not. An example of
this is when you're being fed often the food would be cold including the cup of
tea, but one or two caring nurses would get you another hot tea. They were not
allowed to microwave the food officially but on the odd occasion.. Another time the same nurse was just arriving for her shift & I'd just started walking which is a real big deal & everyone congratulates you etc. I recall walking very slowly with my wife behind me and this nurse wanted to get in her door & bearing in mind she'd never seen me upright before just stood there with a long face presumably because her long night was about to start. Even when my wife said hello she didn't say anything just impatiently standing there till I wobbled by. Absolutely no compassion or care for the people she's supposed to look after. Words spring to mind that I can't publish. Some of the other nurses or auxiliaries were great, really nice people. We're all sad in hospital but many times during that period and since I've wished just to be a 'para' as they can do most things eventually unlike if you're a tetra albeit incomplete. Paraplegics can do all the basics see, whereas I had to be washed,teeth cleaned,shaved,fed everything in fact. I know now for instance I'd be independent and be able to drive etc. Don't get me wrong I'm not bitching just wishing, and it could me much worse I know, but if I had no pain & an upper body that was 'normal' there would be no holding me. I don't want to sound like a winger though as they are just the thoughts that go through your mind. We all wish for the next 'level' etc and I have admiration for the people that really go for it and get the best out of the situation. I would too if I could.. My secret ambition was to walk out and perhaps wean myself off a catheter/leg bag. I achieved this (just) by staggering the few yards to the lift & then out the front entrance on December 15th 2000 and though my hand function is poor I have learned many new tricks. My right side is my weak/poor side so I can't really do much with that but can walk with hand sticks short distances. People also have many misconceptions as they assume if you can walk (ish) that the rest of it is a given. I'd trade as mentioned before my poor walking ability for hands & arms that work properly. You can't pick & choose though and lot's of people would love what I've got, and my hat goes off to those with worse. As mentioned we haven't had the insurance stuff sorted so no adaptations, but I can get round and with help with the personal stuff first thing can survive the day on my own. One day I'd like to be independent with all the personal stuff and perhaps drive etc. Unfortunately for me I get chronic pain all day & night in my shoulders/neck/arms so I have to live with that. I could take pain killers but experience has taught me they just leave you 'spaced' which I do not want as I'm working full time, so I manage on Paracetamols etc until the evening. I'm open to anything though and have made enquiries into the Cannabis project that is currently big news. I recall when I first came home for Xmas (Dec 15th escaped) the high & low of returning. Though I'd been home for some weekends prior to acclimatize it's still a huge psychological phase (one of three apparently) and though it's great to be home with your family it's also very hard to come home to a smaller place not kitted out like hospital & a place where you know & love but now cannot be the same or you can't do stuff. I remember sitting at the breakfast table and having tears in my eyes because I couldn't open the cereal box to pour it & having to ask my youngest son to do it. Such a feeling of helplessness & dependency. You get used to all of it though & learn new tricks all the time so I manage all day now on my own with a panic button round my neck and cordless phones etc. Though between Xmas & New Year I contracted DVT in my right leg (3 clots) so had to go back to a local hospital and have injections and then remain on Wolferine (rat poison) for 6 months to thin my blood as DVT can be very serious if it spreads to the old heart/lungs. So that was depressing and another mountain to climb. I've climbed a few mountains & barring the pain I suffer life is getting better & I'll climb more, with help from my wife. Next year I hope to drive for instance. I wouldn't be able to do half of this if it were not for Hev who I've added some hours to her day like a baby, but I don't wriggle but I guess it's better than being 6 ft under. So where am I now.... Somewhat
candid overview I know but that's how I felt. I hope not to sound that negative,
merely truthful, and for others they would perhaps be different. Although not an
overly encouraging account I know, I hope to keep adding positives to the story
as I can do more than before
& I'm determined to do even more. I am more positive about the future &
haven't given up. You never
quite get used to the dignity thing, though I've got used to my routine of
needing help with the personal stuff. But people do not realize the most basic
task like feeding oneself if you can do that how much personal dignity can be
gained. I keep reading about people up to 2-3 yrs that make some improvement in
some areas so I'm hoping. I have maybe 50% in my left arm/hand so I've learned to do quite a bit (drink alcohol no problem). Maybe 10% on the right side. Improved feeling/sensitivity but hypersensitive in various places. Below the waist is mostly burning pins & needles. Also spasms after any period of relaxing or if I sleep. Also all the usual wheelchair bound problems like excess weight cos I do no cardio vascular exercise so I'm on a mouse like diet as I've gained nearly 3 stone (42 lbs) plus skin problems, blood clots,arthritus,osteoporosis and who knows what in the future. As mentioned in other memos it goes with the territory as a tetra/quad and I've even been told to expect a reduced life expectancy of 5-10 years due to all the health problems etc. Oh well.. My daily routine is 8.15-8-30am log on to work etc & maybe 10-12 hrs later if there's something on TV retire to lounge, but I can look after myself all day and I am learning web stuff as a hobby which is going ok so I tend to be on one of the PC's 7 days a week as I can't do much else. Though I can get next door for a drink which 1 year ago you'd never have thought. And the latest trick is during the day I only use one stick to get around (will power) Oh I've kept my cheeky humour as well.. who's for a game of hopscotch? My standing & walking gait are a real problem as because I can't feel much I'm in the wrong position so a lot of the muscles are seizing as they compensate for an unnatural stance. Long term they just hurt more & more, specifically the shoulders/arms/neck. It gets to the stage where I can't relax them and the pain is unbearable. My physio said they were very tense probably due to high tone. Even so I can survive on my own for the day and work on the PC all day (though maybe one day I won't be able to) which are big mountains to have climbed. I'm determined though to get more out of life than this pain permitting. I'm worried about becoming a recluse as due to all my pain/discomfort I don't go out much and it's easier to stay in my 'comfort zone' and you see so many stories of people who are really positive and go and do sports & activities and not let their injuries hold them back. I'd like to be like that if only I didn't have the pain. You see people worse than me driving for instance but I can't even reach forward without pain. I know I've gotta keep my chin up though and hope it eases & I'm more positive than I used to be. I'm inspired by other peoples web sites and how well they have done. Being brutally honest I don't enjoy life at the moment and it's more of an existence and survival but I can see a glimmer of hope in other peoples experiences & for me. Some peoples sites I've visited are very moving & compared to them my stuff is nothing. From a health point of view I still have a cyst at C3-4 which needs watching & damaged knees, but not so damaged that they require surgery to correct as I'm so limited with not much feeling it doesn't impede my normal life. On the positive side I've avoided pressure sores and some of the other problems that tetras/quads get so I'm thankful for that. I've been to many websites recently and realize how many people are so much worse off and yet are positive and can do so much. This inspires me greatly as well as moves me when you read their stories. It's typical that I was very fit & active before. I used to play squash at a high level 4 to 8 times a week, soccer when needed and included skiing/white water rafting and most sports as hobbies. As well as all the DIY in the house, in general I was very active & always busy. Bitter pill and very life changing. It often happens to people with active lives I know as I guess you're more at risk. Life gets better for most people in this situation so if anyone is out there that is 'new' then it will improve (trust me) with help from friends/family etc.
Life is never going to be great as I knew it but a hell of a lot better now I'm
home, but barring the pain which I hope
will go or improve I will try & get the best out of it. Very clichéd I know
but you've got to really, either shrivel up
in the corner or go for it.. watch this space.
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